Ugly, Stupid, Feeble and Lazy

Who cares?

I have Covid again. This is my second bout and I’m on Paxlovid. I should be back to normal in a week or so, but in the meantime I have the experience of being one of society’s undesirables. Moreover, I am undesirable to myself and it gives me the opportunity to reach out with a bit of desperate hunger to some ideals and virtues. Like a good sized cohort of American men, I like to imagine myself pulling off feats of daring skill. Like the cat staring down the flat panel TV image of a goldfish, I feel triumph within my paw’s reach. It might be the collegiate running back spinning through opponents or the commando lighting the fuse. I’m there. I feel it.

Except today I feel nothing. I think nothing. I do nothing but sweat under my comforter with my socks still on, and it hurts when I cough. I took a shower for the first time in four days this morning and I realized that in my isolation, nobody told me that I stunk. I didn’t even think of stink. Then I actually looked into the mirror and realized what a wreck I have become. I played the time-travel game and introduced my withered hulk to the 23 year old me. We both spat.